well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
