awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
