i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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