just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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