My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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