One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
