We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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