Need sex. Gaining weight.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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