My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
