if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
