she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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