420 ftw
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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