I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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