I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
