Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I would fuck him just for his dog
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
