the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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