I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
