Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
