why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
