been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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