you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize