I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I faked an abortion last night.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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