Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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