it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize