there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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