just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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