the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize