having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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