I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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