none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
