My nipple is on Facebook.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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