I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
