my mouth tastes like poor choices
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
