I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
