I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
