Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
