Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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