she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize