Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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