I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
