Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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