just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
