If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
