she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
