I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
