I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
