I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize