just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Someone came in the potted fern
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
