My underwear smells like fireworks.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
