dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
