So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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