I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
