You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
