you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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