How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
