so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
